As the Repugnocratic Party candidate for the 2016 U.S. presidential election, I wish to thank everyone who has supported me during this campaign. It is truly a blessing to have so many wonderful people behind me. I humbly and gratefully accept your nomination, and look forward to working with you to take back the White House. Thank you all!
And those of you in the party who haven’t yet endorsed me are a bunch of losers. I don’t want your support. You can go rot in hell. When I win the election, as I surely will, you’ll all be looking for new jobs.
Our country needs a truly great leader. We need a leader who will defend American values and particularly the Second Amendment, who will vanquish our enemies around the world in the name of freedom, democracy and cheap oil, who will stand up for our beleaguered corporations at home and abroad.
I am that leader. I am the only one who knows how to fix America’s problems. I’m the only one who knows how the system works.
My opponents don’t a have a clue how to fix this country’s problems. They’re all talk, no action. They can’t even tie their shoelaces without checking with their advisors. How are they going to beat ISIS? It’s not going to happen.
Only I will bomb ISIS into the Stone Age in every country where it operates. Only I will tear up trade agreements with China, Japan, and every other country that gets in the way of our corporations. Only I will exact tributes from our allies in Europe and Northeast Asia for the privilege of having our armed forces defend their freedom. Only I will expel every religious, ethnic, or national group that doesn’t deserve to live in this great country.
I will be the greatest president that God ever created, and the people of this wonderful country will cast themselves down on the ground before me!
Don’t settle for the lesser evil! Vote Dollary Clump, and make America prostrate again!