Back in the good old days, our military used to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. We could conquer any country we wanted and our soldiers would be free to rape and pillage as they pleased. Our men—and it was only men, back in those days—our men would take the choicest of their women and our corporations would seize their oil and natural resources.
Now we have to be kind to everyone. If America gets any kinder and weaker, it’s going to cease to exist! Other nations laugh at our weakness and take advantage of our goodwill. They seize the resources that should be ours! We must not let them get away with it!
When I’m president, the United States of America will be great at fighting wars again. Our enemies will no longer be able to take advantage of us. We will conquer other countries again and install whoever we like to rule them, and we will take whatever resources we want.
It’s only fair that we seize their resources. If you win a war, you have a right to keep the spoils. That’s the way it’s always worked. If we overrun a country that has oil and minerals, we have a right to it all. We must take their oil!
Maybe sometimes we’ll need to use nuclear weapons to pacify our enemies. That’s our right. They’re ours to use as we wish. We have them for a reason, and that reason is to annihilate anyone who gets in our way.
If some oil-rich nation refuses to cede control to our oil companies, a mushroom cloud or two will help them see things our way. If some dishonest journalist in Paris or Moscow writes lies about us, a few megatons of America’s finest will make them more honest next time. And if radical Islamic terrorists such as ISIS threaten us, we can teach them the meaning of Armageddon.
As president, I will bomb ISIS back to the Stone Age in any country where they are found. ISIS only understand violence, so we must give it to them. We will carpet-bomb every training camp, every village, every tree. We will pummel them into oblivion and kill them all!
I will make America great at fighting wars again, and ensure no one disrespects our country ever again! I will make America, and the entire world, prostrate again!